I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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