Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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