Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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