I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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