Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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