I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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