While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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