some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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