I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize