This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
