Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
