dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize