He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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