There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
