My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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