My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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