Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
