she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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