I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Green mimosas i think yes
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
