Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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