I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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