I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
