All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
