I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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