my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
