don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
