when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
