so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
