i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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