He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
