theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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