Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
