So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
