rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
