i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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