Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
