Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
