if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
