I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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