i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
