Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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