i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
