he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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