How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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