I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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