Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dicks are not precious.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
