I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
