a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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