Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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