good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize