she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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