we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
