Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
