My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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