1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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