i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
