I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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