I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
