have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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