We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
