so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
