I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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