I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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