Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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