At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
