I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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