ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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