One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
