I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
