You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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