I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
